When Things Fall Apart
I’ve been thinking a lot about my journey since Charlotte suggested I put down in words how my world has changed since my marriage ended. Three years ago last month, my husband, the man I had married over 20 years earlier decided he wanted out and left. I was blindsided. I knew our marriage was going through a rough time, but I kept assuring myself we had weathered other rough times and we would come through this one too.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t meant to be and I suddenly, at 53, found myself single again. What did I do? Of course, I cried….a lot, and then listed all the reasons why he was justified in ending our marriage. I had gained too much weight, I was too emotional, I hadn’t stroked his ego enough. I wasn’t smart enough, funny enough. I complained too much every two years when we had to move for his career. I didn’t contribute monetarily even though when we first got married had jointly decided we wanted kids and we were financially sound enough so that one parent should/could stay home full time. Since I worked in student affairs and he in television, of course his career would be the higher paying of the two, and since I was 30 when we got married I would give up my career to have children and stay home. Speaking of children there was another reason why he was justified in leaving. I was too wrapped up in our children (even though one of ours has an addiction and diagnosed bi-polar). I wasn’t pretty enough or bright enough.
I blamed the breakup of our marriage entirely on me. I remember when he first said he was leaving I asked him how he could break our contract our promises to each other; to remember all the incredible, wonderful things about our marriage. I asked him to come with me for marriage counseling and he refused. When I asked him if he was just having a mid-life crisis, he retorted, “Is that what you therapists are calling it now?”. When I asked him if it was another woman, he spat back, “How can you even ask that?” (It was). When I asked why, he said, unemotionally I felt, “People change, they fall out of love, and I don’t love you anymore.” Ouch.
He broke my heart and with it all the dreams and hopes of a life together. My world was falling apart and while I have always considered myself a fixer, I could not fix this. I wanted to crawl into my bed with a carton of Ben and Jerry’s and never emerge.
And I did, for awhile. I cried, I screamed, I got angry. I felt myself spiraling downward and I couldn’t stop. I remember one New Year’s Eve in particular. My adult son was working, living on his own. My daughter, just home from rehab and going into her senior year of high school, was staying overnight with her girlfriends and not expected home for a couple of days. Earlier in the week, I had been to our doctor (when I still had health insurance) and he had diagnosed me with “situation depression” and had given me some medication to help me. I remember putting the pills in my hand and thinking who would know or care if I took them all and never woke up? They wouldn’t find me for days.
What stopped me? I can joke about it now, but at the time I do remember thinking if I was dead, my dogs wouldn’t be let outside and what a mess they would make ( I own two goldens and a mutt…i.e. Big dogs, big messes!). They wouldn’t get fed but worse would ruin the carpets! I realize now it goes much deeper than ruined carpets.
He may not love or care about me anymore, but there are people (and my dogs!) who do love and care about me! They need me, Hell, I need me! Just because my life story has changed, it doesn’t mean it has ended. I may have felt like dieing, but I didn’t WANT to die.
These past three years have been an incredible journey. Hills and Valleys, highs and lows. Days when I didn’t want to get out of bed, ate a whole carton of Ben and Jerry’s, cried until I couldn’t cry anymore, screamed until I was hoarse. Imagined all the ways I could make him hurt as much as I.
I began to realize, wasted energy though, especially the last one! Instead I realized there have also been wonderful incredible days—–days of sunshine, laughter, refreshing rain, seeing my first snowfall in over 20 years. Meeting new friends, re-connecting with old friends, an emerging sense of self-worth. Watching a hummingbird, seeing a wise old owl in my tree, a kiss from one of my sweet dogs, a call from one of my kids, friend, or family member.
Believe me, my new friends, I’m not out of the woods yet, perhaps I never will be, but if I’m honest with myself, I am moving forward, reconnecting with a very important person – myself.
Each of us has our own life story, one we scripted and thought would always be. Perhaps you have lost your life partner. Perhaps you have been terminated from a position you always thought you would be doing. Perhaps you yourself are dealing with an unimaginably hard disease. Perhaps you have raised your family and now an “empty nester”. Whatever you are experiencing right now, your life story has changed. Perhaps you feel like your world has fallen apart.
In the upcoming months I hope to share with you some of the steps/tools I have been taking/using on my journey. My goal is to offer you some tools and inspiration to begin or continue your journey as you discover yourself, your strengths, and find peace.
My heartfelt thanks to Charlotte for creating this newsletter for us and giving me an opportunity to share. I read an incredible quote from one of the original Freedom Fighters, civil rights activist Bernice Johnson Reagon that I found inspiring in my journey: “Life’s challenges are not suppose to paralyze you; they are supposed to help you discover who you are.”
Be well and we’ll talk soon……